How War of the Realms should have ended
by Fernando VII
Summary: In the style of the "How it should have ended" shorts for films, but in this case it's a comic book.


(In Asgard)

Odin: ASSASSINS! How dare you Dark Elves defile the halls of the Gods! I will paint this walls with your bitter black blood, you…

Dark Elf: The King of Svartalfheim bids you the goodest of nights, Odin one-eye!

Odin: Really? A knife? Is that all? You expected to murder the All-Father Odin… with just a crude and vulgar knife?

Dark Elf: Ugh, a little help here, guys? Guys? Oh, crap…

HOW WAR OF THE REALMS SHOULD HAVE ENDED

(In Thor's boat)

Thor: Loki?

Loki: It's too late, brother. The war of the realms can't be stopped…

Thori: Wait a moment, master. Snif, snif. This is not Loki! This is Malekith! Thori eats Malekith!

Malekith: ARGH! Let me go, you dammed dog!

* * *

She-Hulk: Hulk smashes frost giant! Then smashes fire thing!

Black Panther: Or, perhaps, there may be a simpler solution to our predicament…

She-hulk: Hmm? Smashing?

Black Panther: No, just push one of them towards the other…

* * *

Dr. Strange: I'm going to have to ask you both to please leave this dimensional plain.

Loki: "Plain"? Did you just say dimensional "Plain"? No wonder I was a better sorcerer supreme than you!

Dr. Strange: Everybody's a critic. Jeez.

* * *

(Laufey eats Loki alive)

Laufey: Hmm. Loki.

(Laufey explodes)

Loki: You know, for a moment I thought about staying inside my father's stomach for the duration of this war, but then I would miss all the fun.

* * *

(During the invasion of New York)

Odin: Queen Freyja stands alone.

Brunnhilde: Not alone. Valkyries! To the Queeeeeeeeen!

* * *

Agent Coulson: World? I'm afraid the world isn't my responsibility. Just the best little part of it. The American part.

The President of the US: Excuse me? You have this nigh invincible super hero, who can defeat this invasion just in some minutes without making a sweat, and keep it just here? By all means, go and save everyone, dammit! This will make miracles for our international diplomacy… and reelection next year will be a piece of cake!

* * *

Lady Sif: If the sorcerer is broken, then, Panther king, use your science wizardry to send us back!

Black Panther: Teleporter is offline. All our major systems are still down…

Captain America: Wait a moment. We had all the people of New York in that hall, right?

Speakers: "Tyrone Johnson, AKA Cloak, please report to administration. Tyrone Johnson, AKA Cloak, please report to administration."

* * *

Freyja: So, Jane Foster, I have thought about naming you All-Mother of Asgard and leaving you in charge while I was in a mission; but even gods must answer to a thing called "Internet", and some people say that I should appoint literally anyone else, because you are, well, Jane Foster.

Jane: As you order, my queen (and Dark elves teleport behind her and kill her)

* * *

Captain America: It worked. We're in the realm of the frost giants. But we are on a stealth mission here, so instead of using those winged horses to fly in the open sky and be seen by everybody in miles, we'll get to the ground and use the horses the old fashioned way.

Luke Cage: That sounds like a good idea.

* * *

(In Svartalfheim, the Avengers try to sneak into the Black Bifrost disguised as Dark Elves)

Dark Elf: Mother of maggots. You two are some big damn elves. What clan are you from?

Freyja: You don't care which clan we are from.

Darl Elf: I don't care which clan you are from.

Freyja: These aren't the mortals you're looking for.

Dark Elf: These aren't the mortals we're looking for.

Freyja: They can go about their business.

Dark Elf: You can go about your business.

Freyja: Move along.

Dark Elf: Move along, move along...

* * *

(In Svartalfheim, the Avengers hold the Black Bifrost and Freyja wants to dispatch the others home)

Punisher takes Freyja down from behind

Punisher: No, Freyja. You will not stop those elves here.

Blade: Punisher? Are you an agent of Malekith or what?

Punisher: Blade, hear me out. Those Avengers you're working with, they attack me, they hunt me, they made fun of me. They think I'm not a hero like them. I'll stay here. I'll stay behind, I'll hold the bridge, and the last laugh will be mine.

The elf hordes come, and the Punisher starts doing what he does best!

Punisher: Come and get it, demons! This is Punisher's last laugh!

And though Punisher stands alone, and the warriors of Svartalfheim seem numberless, not one set foot upon the black bifrost.

They sing no songs in Svartalfheim, nor do they celebrate heroes, for silent is that dismal realm and cheerless. But the story of the Black Bifrost and the mortal who defended it is whispered across the ten worlds. And when a new arrival asks about the one to whom even Malekith bows her head, the answer is always the same: He stood alone at the Black Bifrost... and that answer is enough.

* * *

(next to the sun)

Thor: Very well. I'll hang myself in the World Tree and sacrifice my eye to figure out a way to face Malekith's challenge. He said he only wants Thor, and anyone else shows up he will kill my parents.

Daredevil: Here's a bright idea: why don't you use time travel to bring past and future versions of yourself? You don't have to be Einstein to figure out that solution.

Thor: Yes! You are right!

BUT THIS IS HOW IT REALLY SHOULD HAVE ENDED

Thor: All this war, all this death… all to feed one elf's lust for suffering! That suffering ends now, you monster! For I promise to kill you quick!

Malekith: You just reminded me of something… WHAT? WEBS?

Superior Spider-Man: This is it, my lackeys! The mastermind of this war! The die is cast!

GwenPool: I told you! If you wanted to take part in the main crossover event, and not just an ancillary tie-in, this was the place to do it!

Superior Spider-Man: If that rambling means that this fight is crucial, I concur! Press the advantange!

Malekith: I don't know how did you manage to get here, mortals, but I was clear: if someone other than Thor…

Superior Spider-Man: Ms. Chavez, teleport those two old-timer gods back to Avengers mountain!

America Chavez: You know, a little "please" would…

Superior Spider-Man: NOW!

America Chavez: Ok, ok!

Superior Spider-Man: There! I have trapped the villain in my webbing! Now, pathetic excuse of a God, just for once do something useful in your worthless existence, and strike him down!

(SMASH!)

(At the Super Cafe)

Superior Spider-Man: And then, I intervened in the last moment and brought the victory that only a man of my keen intellect could achieve! Can you imagine the disaster it would have been if this amateur was left alone with the villain?

Superman: Well… congratulations, I guess…

Superior Spider-Man: I do not need your approval, old glory, I did what had to be done!

Batman: That ending was… unexpected. This was supposed to be a Thor story.

Thor: Yes, I reforged Mjolnir, and I'm worthy again!

Superior Spider-Man: Nobody cares, you big oaf! All of this happened because of you! You fought this Malekith before, you should have gone for the head then!

Jane Foster: I also helped, and now that the remains of the War Thor hammer fused with me, I'll be the new Valkyrie!

Superior Spider-Man: And who were you, again?

Batman: Hey there. I'm Batman. You wanna know my secret identity?

Jane Foster: You have no idea what you are messing with.

Batman: Ah, yes, "Shakespeare in The Park" stuff?

Jane Foster: No, this (takes Mjolnir and smashes Batman's face with it)

Batman: Give me that hammer! I need to place some nails to hang my portrait in the wall.

Thor and Jane Foster: WHAT? YOU'RE WORTHY?

Batman: What, this? Yes, of course I am. And you want to know why?

Superman: Oh, no, not again…

Batman: BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!


End file.
